Trying to smile through the tears

I really don't know what caused the sudden burst of tears.  Mark and I traveled to Murfreesboro yesterday for my ultrasound and appointment with Dr.  McGriff.   I became edgy during the ultrasound for some reason.  As I waited for the technician to complete the test I  looked up at the ceiling and thought I.can't.believe.I.am.here.  I feel as though I am in a fog or dream and the fog is going to lift or I am going to wake up and none of the past three weeks will be real.  I know that sounds crazy but I have always been a ball of fire and all the sudden not so much!


Dr.  McGriff was somewhat reassuring about the cysts.  I was blown away when she took at her tape measure to show us the size of one of the cysts.   I guess I really had never thought of how you measure a cyst!?  Even though the appearance of the cyst is normal she order a CA 125 blood test.  Protocol and just as a measurement/precaution.  She explained a high reading/number would be 30-35.  I assume that would indicate cancer?  She explained if my number was even elevated she would refer me to Dr.  Williams in Nashville.  However, if not she would perform a full hysterectomy  in Murfreesboro.  I will know the result tomorrow or Monday.

I feel guilty that I know God has got this.  However, I have moments of worry and doubt.  I know He is with with because I feel Him.  Even though I do not see an actual body I feel His hand and know whatever comes my way I.am.fine.    It is hard to not be in control and harder to admit it.  I am learning and  I know I am here for a reason.  So today has been a good day, a few tears but a good day.

Maybe I will hear from the test tomorrow but Monday is ok too.  I just can't understand how something can be Fed-ex-ed overnight from  the other side of the world  but when it comes to medical tests it can't happen?!

I have so many ask what can I do to help you and your family.  Prayer is the answer.  But not just for me, for everyone that is going through hard times.  I am just me, there are so many others that need us and our prayers.

Again I invite you to be with me, in the moment.